I’m A Stranger In This Town

Part I

Princessa & Pedro

“I’ve only been here for three days and they both already hate me.”
“They do not hate you. It’s not hate. You… irritated them.”
“Me irritating?”
“You… crossed their boundaries.”
“I had… people over, I invited a friend over…”
“You said it was three people, and they’re not your friends.”
“We were in my room! We were being quiet.”
“Not if the neighbor heard you and complained. You were loud enough that the neighbor came and made an ‘official complaint’.”
“They’re too, there’s too many rules here. They even complained about the dishes. I’ve only been here for three days!”
“It’s always someone else’s fault. Do you ever just listen to yourself? They hate you. They’re too strict. What about you Princessa?”
“So I can’t have people over?”
“Who said that? Did they say that?”
“He woke up and he had to pee and he probably didn’t think he was gonna run into anybody. They acted like they never saw cock before.”
“Where were his clothes?”
“I don’t know. Somewhere on the floor. But my stuff was everywhere…”
“Oh really? Your stuff? All over the floor?”
’“I said it was everywhere. Did I say it was all over the floor? No, I didn’t? Maybe he had to really go. You know? Like it was an emergency.”
“It takes two seconds to throw on your whatever, or to wrap a towel… or something around it. He couldn’t do that?”
“Well I don’t know actually because I was sleeping. I woke up when I heard Cedar. Shouting.”
“Cedar’s the name of the guy you brought back?”
“No, I don’t remember his name.”
“Typical.”
“I do have his phone number. Cedar’s one of my flatmates. The one who works with old people.”
“You’re not living with me anymore. You have to try and be more, more organised. You have to think about others more, be clean.”
“I’m trying.”
“Are you though?”
“Yes. I am..”
“Before you moved, when you met them, they told you what kind of house, what their way of doing things is like, and you agreed?”
“Yeah they told me bu…”
“No buts! They told you and you probably told them that you were exactly whatever they said they were looking for, right?”
“Well… I don’t know about ‘exactly’?”
“You wouldn’t be living there if you didn’t tell them, ‘Yeah I’m clean, I’m quiet, I’m responsible’, you just wouldn’t… they wouldn’t have invited you there if they didn’t feel like you were gonna fit into their living space and the way that they like things and do things. And when they were deciding what to do, who to choose, they picked you because you told them ‘Yeah, I’m this person’, right? Is that right?”
“Hhhhhh.”
“Don’t hhhhhh me! You called me to talk about your problems and I’m being honest with you, and honestly you need to hear this. You’re not living with me anymore. You’re living with strangers who have no obligation, no connection with you, not a deep one at least, not yet. But even if they did, they expect you to wash your dishes, to not cause problems with their neighbors, your neighbors, and to tell your grindr trade to wrap something around it when they leave your room. No one hates you here. You spin it like that because it’s easier for you to think that way instead of asking yourself, telling yourself, yeah I fucked up. It’s not that big of a deal if you tell them, ‘Listen, I get it. I’m sorry, and it won’t happen again.’ That’s it! That’s all you have to do. Sometimes I don’t understand why that’s so hard for you.”
“So this is what I get when I call and say that I’m having a shitty time?”
“You get my honest feelings, and I didn’t always do that when it was just… me and you.”
“Why not? Why didn’t you do it when I was there?”
“I didn’t always have the time, or the… I didn’t always feel like doing it. So instead, I washed up. I cleaned up. I put on my headphones when you were too loud. I did a lot of things. You were too busy doing you to notice, but now I’m telling you because I want you to do what you want to do out there. Maybe other people who don’t know you aren’t gonna overlook things or put themselves out. Maybe for the first time you’re gonna have to meet someone else halfway.”
“You know what I think? I think… I think you coulda told me this… I think it’s funny that you waited for me to be in another country to be honest with me. I think if this is how you really feel, the only reason why you didn’t tell me isn’t because you didn’t have the time, or you just didn’t feel like it. I think it’s cos you were scared to say it to my face and now it’s easy for you cos I’m not there. I think you’re jealous.”
“Oh Princessa.”
“No really. I think you’re jealous. You went the safe route, but you’re bored, you’re unhappy. You’re miserable. That’s what you are. And you’re mad at me for getting out of there. I thought you were gonna cheer me up.”
“Cheer you up? Your flatmates are telling you ‘Eh, this is not how we do it around here’, no one’s died. What do you need cheering up for? You want me to say ‘Oh poor you’? No I’m not. I’m gonna save it for when you really need it, and you’re gonna need it, but you don’t right now. And about the other things that you said, maybe you’re right. Maybe I was scared to tell you sometimes. Not all the time, but maybe I was, but then ask yourself, if I was scared did I have a reason, a good reason for it.”
“I’m sorry I called you. I’m sorry I’m so scary that you couldn’t tell me to keep it down or to wash my own fucking dishes. I won’t bother you again.”
“Princessa… it’s… it doesn’t have to be like this, but if this is how you feel, I’m always gonna pick up if you need me.”
“Don’t worry, I won’t. I’m sure there are plenty of people who aren’t afraid of me that I can call.”

Cliff & Princessa

“I’m looking for a book. A really good book. One I haven’t read before. One that I won’t be able to put down. A book so good I’ll forget to eat. I’ll run into people on the sidewalk, and maybe I’ll forget about… oh just recommend something an old man like me might like. You can do that can’t you?”
“If you look around, you’ll see that uh, we have staff recommendations in every section.”
“You have an accent.”
“So do you.”
“Where’s it from?”
“Where do you think it’s from?”
“I don’t know that’s why I asked.”
“Not from here.”
“Fair enough. So what about the book?”
“Sir…”
“When you say ‘Sir’, like that I hear your frustration and your condescension. Is that how this shop treats customers nowadays?”
“Sir…”
“You can’t help it can you?”
“It’s just… I’m not trying to be rude.”
“You just have a knack for it then, is that it?”
“A huh… okay touche. I do. You’re right. What I’m trying to, to tell you…”
“Go on…”
“It’s just that my colleagues have taken the time to review newer titles and contemporary titles, and classics, and you can find these reviews all across the shop. At this desk, I try to help people find specific titles that they’re looking for. I don’t, we don’t make suggestions. Not here.”
“Well what if I don’t want to dilly dally around the store looking for suggestions. What if I want to know what someone like yourself reads, someone who I can tell pays attention to every single detail, the hair, the nails, even the… is that bergamot, black pepper, and lavender?”
“Are you..?”
“Oh you wish, don’t you! No, I just don’t care what Callum and Ella Blue are reading. You’re the first person who looks like me that I’ve seen working here in the twenty years that I’ve been shopping here. I just wanna know what someone like you is reading, maybe someone I can relate to. And, I’d love to buy you a coffee. Upstairs. Do you drink coffee? Can you suggest a book, or two, or seven even?”
“I don’t know if you’ll… appreciate the books I like.”
“What are you a writer? Is that why you’re here? I don’t mean here at this shop, but here here?”
“Writing is not something that I’m good at but I come from a family of readers. We read all the time at home. My abuela, my mother, my father, and my twin sister. We were always reading, or telling stories. But I’m not a writer. I’ve never even tried to write… anything. What about you? Are you a writer?”
“Yes and no. It was a dream that wasn’t deferred as Langston Hughes said. In my case it was a dream that died. But enough about that. I have nothing but time, or the time I have left, and I want to spend it all reading. The problem is that I haven’t read anything good in a long time.”
“I could recommend some books… I’m just not good at not giving the whole story away, when I try to summarise a book. Do you like science fiction?”
“Not particularly but I’m curious. I try to be a curious person. I think it keeps me alive, keeps me here. Science fiction when it says something about the state of the world, when it feels familiar or more real than strange is interesting. If it feels like it’s more true, or if it has this quality, or the ability to make this world, the so-called real world seem fictitious and perhaps even frightening. Do you know the work of Octavia Butler?”
“Of course! She’s one of my favorite authors. I was going to recommend her.”
“Well you still can. I haven’t read everything. I’ve never been a sci-fi buff but I did read the Xenogenesis trilogy a very long time ago. What about you, what does that say? Your badge is that..?”
“Princessa. May I ask you what your name is?”
“Yes you may ask. Call me Cliff.”
“Okay Cliff. It’s nice to meet you.”
“You too Princessa. Well, I’m not pronouncing it like you but I’ll keep trying. Are you new here Princessa? Have you just moved to this crazy, chaotic city?”
“Yes, I just got here. It’s my ninth day.”
“Nine days and you’ve already found a job?”
“I had to Cliff.”
“Did you arrive here with something like fifty pounds in your pocket and a sofa to sleep on?”
“Hmph, hmph, hmph. No. I found a room in a flatshare but it’s not, it’s not going so well. And I guess I was lucky. I turned my CV and my cover letter into a, do you know what a zine is?”
“Is it a magazine?”
“Yeah kind of. So I did that and I guess they liked it.”
“Well I’m sorry about your flatshare. They’re not showing any kind of prejudice towards you are they?”
“No. That’s not it. We just… we have different rhythms. Different styles.”
“Oh I see. Well at least you’ve got a job. They tell themselves we come here to lay around and do nothing and take their benefits, or we come here and steal their jobs. Which one is it I always asked myself. You didn’t steal this job from anyone. Sounds like you got it in a novel way. They could all learn a few things from you. But I bet you’re barely making enough to get by.”
“It’s okay. I have some savings. I came here with more than fifty pounds in my pocket.”
“Well that’s no way to break the cycle. Spending your savings. I bet your abuela could tell you that.”
“Ha ha ha ha ha ha. You’re right. I’ll keep looking, but it’s good for now. At least it’s something.”
“Sure. And I’ll bet it keeps you busy and it’s probably a good way to make friends too I imagine.”
“I don’t know about that sir.”
“Cliff.”
“Cliff.”
“Well enough talking. How about you tell me more about Ms. Butler’s work. What else could I read? Remember I want to be inspired. May I invite you to a coffee in the cafe upstairs?”
“I don’t drink coffee from here. Not to sound like a snob.”
“Oh, well…”
“But there is a place just across the square. I like Chai Tea. Let’s go get you some books, and then I’ll meet you downstairs.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
“There’s just one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“Do you mind if I smoke?”
“I thought you’d never ask!”
“Why’s that?”
“I was hoping you had an extra one for me.”

Lupe & Princessa

“Is that really all you have.”
“Lupe that’s all I could send.”
“Carlos sometimes it’s just rice. When it’s really tight, it’s rice for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.”
“I’m sorry. I just got here. It hasn’t even been two weeks. I’m not out here living some glamorous life.”
“Well that’s even worse then because that means you left us, you left your family for nothing. You said you were gonna study what was it, international relations or something like that? But you quit just like you quit everything and now what are you doing? How are you even supporting yourself?”
“I’m, I got a job…”
“Oh yeah, doin what?”
“I’m working at a book shop.”
“Why do you sound like you’re trying to be Mary Poppins? Quit talking like that.”
“I don’t have anything else to send you.”
“Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.”
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. How is abuela?”
“Yeah, she’s alright. They gave me the early shift so I come in and restock and I’m back by two, but she’s home all day by herself. She can’t really do much. Mateo brings her breakfast and helps her get out of bed and get ready, but I get home before him. She’s, she’s at home all day with no one to take care of her until one of us gets home. I get home and she’s just sitting in front of the tv. Even though Mateo has lunch for her, she doesn’t eat it cos no one’s there to remind her that she has to eat. That’s how bad it is.”
“Lupe, I’m really sorry.”
“If you’re sorry then come home Carlos.”
“I can’t do that okay? It’s not so easy.”
“Why not? What’s so complicated about it? Explain it to me or is that too complicated too?”
“Cos I can’t be me over there.”
“What are you talking about? Who do you need to be?”
“You won’t even call me by my name.”
“You want me to accept you for what… for who you are? Okay I accept you, but you’re always gonna be Carlos to me.”
“That’s funny cos you…”
“I what? I called you princessa. Yeah I did, but you… I need my, my, my twin okay? I need you here. Abuela needs you. Who do you need to be besides a part of this family? That’s who you are. What’s more important than that? I will tell everyone to call you Princessa, just come home because me and Mateo can’t do this by ourselves. When our mom and dad went to prison, who stepped in and raised us? If you don’t owe me, you owe her. Grow up! Be whoever you want to be here, just be here. Find a way to do it. We all have to make sacrifices. That’s life. You think abuela didn’t do that. All her life she did that. Thank god she did! You should be on your knees thanking god because she knew what to do with you. She knew how to love you and let you be who you are. She fought for you. She fought everyone for you. But you’re still lost. You had your chance to go out there and find yourself or whatever, and I didn’t say nothing. I, I needed you too. But I tried to be happy for you. You didn’t call that much. You didn’t even call abuela, and she asked about you all the time and I had to tell her, ‘Oh Princessa must be real busy’, and she always looked really, like she was trying to picture what you were doing that was more important than calling us once in a blue moon or something. I know you sent money. I know, but money isn’t blood. It’s not a substitute for you being here. It just helps but it helps more when we can see you. I have a son Princessa. I’m raising a sweet, quiet, gentle little boy all by myself. I don’t know how he has the heart he has because I’m too busy trying to keep this house, trying to take care of abuela to give him what he needs. I can’t even give him half of what she gave us.”
“Lupe… I’ll find a way to send more money but I…”
“You’re not coming back.”
“Not right now. I can’t.”
“Is it worth it?”
“Is it worth what?”
“I’m just tryna figure out how you do it? Maybe you think it's okay about Lupe and Mateo. I have time. There’s time for them, but what about abuela. You’ve been gone seven, eight years. You haven’t been back not even one time. You’ve called maybe six or seven times. What if… what if the next time you see her… and she’s gone? You can’t hold her. She’s cold. She’s gone… she’s waiting for you Princessa. You think she’s gonna wait forever? That’s what I mean? Is whatever you’re doin out there, moving from place to place, starting things you never finish, talking about you wanna be a dancer… are you even dancing? If you’re just barely makin it, why don’t you come back here? Maybe we can do better, we can be stronger as a family, together.”
“I didn’t know… I didn’t know it was so bad. I don’t know what to do…”
“I already told you… come home.”
“I’m gonna… I’m gonna think about what I can do.”
“Yeah, you do that. Just don’t take too long.”
“I’m gonna find a way to send more money too. Do mom and dad still call the house?”
“Sometimes. I don’t really talk to them. When one of them calls I just hand the phone over to abuela. Come home Carlos. Come home Princesa. I need you. She needs you.”
“I’ll figure something out.”
“You better. Time is runnin out, we’re in trouble and one day I’m not gonna be able to save us anymore.”

Written by Isaiah Lopaz, Anthology / Appendix 2021

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