I’m A Stranger In This Town

Part II

Denzel & Princessa

“Are you in love? You can’t stop looking at yourself can you? I think I prefer the view I have from here.”
“I’m not... in love, or anything like that. It’s this mirror. You caught me. In this mirror I look better than I think I do in my head. My body. It’s a magic mirror.”
“Your body looks, no, your body is perfect. You don’t have to cover up. I’ve already seen it. Done more than that.”
“I’m gonna go. Thanks for letting me…”
“No, don’t go. Stay. You can stay if you want to. I’m not doing anything. All I have on the agenda today is cleaning up this mess. Look at all this food, look at all this alcohol. The old fashioned punch! There’s still loads of it. Hand me a glass. Give me two? What? It’s still a party. It’s Sunday. We don’t have to go to work.”
“Okay.”
“One for me… and here, one for you.”
“Cheers.”
“Cheers. So you came here with…”
“I met one of your friends on the bus. Georgina, remember?”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I was on my way home and she said she liked my style, and she asked me where I was going, and I said home, and then she told me about you and the party.”
“Ha Georgina. She knows everyone. Everyone worth knowing that is. So what did she tell you about me? Come on!”
“Uh… she just told me that you were having a party, that there were gonna be cool people there, that you have some big job.”
“I’m a big job huh?”
“Okay… that’s not what she meant, but… it’s not like you need me to confirm that.”
“We sent you a video message and she asked if she could bring me.”
“Yeah. Alright. I vaguely remember that. I’m glad she didn’t take me up on sending a car for her. She insists on taking the bus from where she lives all the way out here. So were you coming from work? What do you do? Sorry… I don’t remember. Maybe you mentioned it before we ended up on the floor? How did we end up on the floor?”
“We started kissing and we just didn’t stop. We didn’t make it to the bed.”
“It’s kinda like Beyonce.”
“How?”
“Like the song. We woke up in the kitchen…”
“So you’re definitely not a singer, and even though the kitchen’s over there, we technically woke up in front of your… coffee table.”
“Ouch! That was harsh.”
“I don’t listen to her so much.”
“Really? What do you have against Queen Bee?”
“Nothing. I just don’t get the hype. I mean I’ll dance if it’s playing but I don’t know her music like that.”
“She was practically trained from birth to be a popstar, the woman is a phenom! She’s god’s gift. She’s Miss Black Power. She’s so brave to make music about us, about the Black experience.”
“Please? Beyonce doesn’t care about us. And she makes music about ‘us’. This is the Black experience that she’s talking about or singing about. Not my Black experience. She makes music for people like you who can afford concert tickets and merch, people who live in castles.”
“It’s a loft not a castle.”
“Yeah, well ,most of us aren’t livin like this, and Beyonce… she waited a long time to get political. They can’t take anything away from her now.”
“Come on. I imagine you have some idea about the struggle, her struggle. You probably know better than I do. She’s a, a Woman of Color. She’s always got something to lose, right? Well I can see for the first time that bringing up Beyonce isn’t a guaranteed way to find solidarity or to connect with someone. Note to self. Tell me about you. I want to know everything about this person who my friend met on a bus, who judges me for my little ‘palace’, who doesn’t like Beyonce, but who… if memory serves likes a few things about me, maybe even thinks I’m talented. Maybe more than Beyonce.”
“I dunno. I think it’s funny how people react when you say you don’t stan her. I don’t have anything against her. She’s talented, and yeah I’ve seen or I read that she’s doing stuff for Black people. Bravo, I guess. She should. I also think she’s been given that chance, or that let’s just say doors have been opened for her that aren’t always opened for dark skinned women who are just as talented as her. But I don’t hate Beyonce. I respect her artistry but that’s it.”
“And this thing about her being light skinned, is that something that you know a thing or two about? From experience? Are doors also opened for you?”
“Of course.”
“Okay just checking. Just making sure it’s not personal.”
“I already told you it wasn’t but…”
“So what about you? Where does your… colour come from?”
“New York.”
“New York?”
“I know we’re in your house, but don’t ask me this white people Jeopardy shit. I can throw my clothes on in three seconds.”
“Sorry. I, I don’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I’m just curious. I wanna know a bit about you and what you’re doing here, how long you plan on staying.”
“Easy. You wanna know all about me. You don’t even remember my name?”
“It’s Princessa.”
“How did you remember?”
“I never, ever forget names. But ‘what’s my mothafuckin name’?”
“Okay, all I remember about it, is that it’s really white.”
“Ouch. You cut deep.”
“It’s true I carry a knife with me.”
“If you do now, I don’t wanna know where you’re hiding it.”
“You don’t wanna test me and find out.”
“I think, I don’t… So what are you doing here? When did you get here?”
“Hmm, about two weeks. Everybody keeps asking me that. ‘What are you doing here?’ Can I just be here?”
“Sure… but I think it’s a normal, basic question when you find out someone’s new. Fresh meat.”
“Do people tell you, you sound like a really greasy, cheesy, like Wolf of Wall Street guy?”
“I work in finance.”
“Not surprised! I’m just here for now. I came here the first time, maybe two years ago, and I knew it was gonna be hard to make it work, but I felt… it sounds like really cliche, but I felt free here, even if it’s really fucking expensive, and I just got an EU passport.”
“Oh that’s fancy.”
“If you only knew what I had to do to get it.”
“Well we’ve got alcohol and time, and whatever that is over there to eat.”
“Not today.”
“So you grew up in Europe somewhere? Wait, but I thought you were from New York.”
“My parents are from, well they were born in New York but my twin, I have a twin, we were born in California. Born and raised.”
“Is your family still there?”
“Yep.”
“You don’t like talking about them. In fact, I don’t think you like talking about yourself.”
“There are things about my life that if you want to know, you have to earn it. I’m not out there telling everyone I meet my whole life story.”

Cedar Princessa & Jaxx

“We like you a lot but it’s not working out. We have to ask you to leave. It’s month to month here. You know that. That’s the arrangement, and the first three months were a trial, but it’s just not working so we need to ask you to leave. There’s just one week left in the month, so we’re gonna give you til the end of next month but you’ve, you’ve gotta be out by then.”
“Okay…”
“Look it’s not personal. Cedar likes, I like you. You’re great, it’s just not working is it?”
“We just both feel like this is our home. This is our sanctuary, and we need that. We need things to be done a certain way, we need certain needs to be met, to be respected. We thought that you would understand that, but you live the way that you do and we’re not trying to say that that’s bad, it’s just not what we expected.”
“Cedar and I feel like we were really clear with you about noise, chores, guests. We told you what our triggers are and… ugh… maybe we just didn’t explain ourselves or there was a miscommunication somewhere.”
“If it’s not working, it’s not working. I can find somewhere else to go. I’ll be out by the end of the month. If I have to sleep on the street, I’ll be out. I don’t wanna be here if I’m not wanted.”
“We told you it’s not personal. We tried.”
“We really did. We tried to talk to you.”
“I think there was a miscommunication. I thought a house was a place that you lived in. That I didn’t have to wash my dishes right after I eat. That I could bring home as many people as I want to, as long as we weren’t in the living room or in your room. I thought a house, or a room was a place that I could play my music and dance and sing for hours with the door closed. I didn’t know that I was moving into a convent.”
“Well I’m sorry you feel that way, but… that just proves that this isn’t gonna work.”
“There’s a squat where some people I know live, and on one floor there’s a space that’s just for people who are trans and non-binary.”
“Fantastico! And do they like Black people too? Will they like my non-binary Black ass or will they have the same problems with me as you?”
“That’s a really cheap shot Princessa.”
“Nobody brought up race. That’s the furthest thing from our minds. I’m really shocked that you would suggest that. It almost feels like you’re using it as an excuse. You knew what the house rules were and you didn’t follow them. That has nothing to do with you being... being…”
“What Jaxx? You can’t even say it.”
“I just don’t wanna say the wrong thing.”
“Too late. I’m Black dumbass.”
“I think you’re right. You should leave at the end of the month. We told you that there are rules here…”
“Take your rules and shove them as far up your bony ass as they can fit. You told me to wash up by the end of the day. I did it. You told me not to have naked people walking around the house anymore. Done. You told me to turn the music down so you couldn’t hear it in the hallway, but ‘Oh Prinsessssa, we can still hear your music. Oh what did you cook in the stove it smells? I was on my hands and knees cleaning the stove. I make food that has flavor, that has enticing aromas that can smell from the entrance door, food with spices that make your eyes melt and your throat close, with names you can only choke on. I play my music everyday because I dance everyday, and I don’t need drugs or music that you stole from Black people to get high. I don’t dance because it’s Friday or Saturday or because I’m fucked up and I wanna forget my problems. I dance because I’m alive. I dance because that’s one of the things you white people couldn’t take, couldn’t break. So it’s a valid question because when I came here you were on your diversity trip talmbout look at the bookshelf. We love James Baldwin. Oh have you seen Rafiki? Doesn’t it mean friend? We were at a lecture about intersectionality the other day. Sometimes I think you white queer people are the worst because in theory you’re supposed to understand. There’s supposed to be community, family, but if you can’t put us in a box, if you can’t decide the volume, can’t turn it down, you act like you’re suffocating. Ima leave you here to die. I don’t need til the end of next month. Like I said I’ll be gone at the end of the month. Thanks for the vegan risotto. Next time add more salt. That won’t save it from being bland but… it might help. I know how you like to wash the dishes right away so I’ll be in my room. Dancing.”
“That was really dramatic and uncalled for.”
“Did they just call us racists?”

Abuela & Princessa

“I wake up, even when I’m not sleeping, when I look over and I see it’s you, it’s really you I bite the insides of my cheek. That’s how I test it. To see if you’re really here. Oh! It hurts, so you must be really here.”
“The only thing missing is Lupe on the other side of you. But things have changed a lot. We’re almost the same size abuela.”
“I’m still taller than you.”
“Yes, it’s true. You’re still very tall.”
“Oh, I love you Princessa.”
“I love you too abuela. Abuela, you’re squeezing me.”
“Sorry child. I just can’t… to be lying here next to you… I missed you so much.”
“I missed you too abuela, but we should get up if you want me to do your hair.”
“Oh yes, that’s right. Please. You’re so good at it. You always knew what to do with my pelo malo.”
“It’s not pelo malo. It’s bonita.”
“It would be if it was more like yours. Just a little bit softer.”
“But your hair is so soft, but strong too. And grey, and you still have so much of it.”
“Not as much as I used to. I always wished it was like Carmella’s.”
“Well, I always wanted to have hair like yours.”
“You were the only person then. But you sure did play with it a lot when you were little.”
“I remember then you only had a little bit of grey.”
“Yes it was funny. Then it was in the middle, most prominent, with long strands scattered throughout the top. I hated it back then. It came in my thirties. Look at you! You already have some coming in.”
“Could you sit down please.”
“Yes.”
“Are you comfortable?”
“As comfortable as I can be. I’m so stiff.”
“Relax if you can.”
“I’m trying to.”
“How does that feel? Is it too hot? Too cold?”
“It’s warm. It’s fine my love.”
“Okay close your eyes.”
“Okay.”
“Eyes closed?”
“Yes.”
“I miss this.”
“Me too. Ooh rub it just like that. Oh that feels good. No one’s touched my head like that in a long time.”
“I miss doing your hair. It was one of my favorite things to do with you.”
“You made me look good. Sometimes I was afraid of how you braided it, or that time you put those beads in my hair.”
“You were the coolest abuela on the block.”
“I was something alright. I want to ask you something.”
“Yeah. What do you wanna know.”
“You’re not gonna stay here? After the summer. You’re going back? You’re just here for the summer right?”
“I don’t know. I have a ticket to go back, but… if I go back who’s gonna do your hair?”
“I’ll do it myself. I don’t need you to do my hair. I like, I appreciate it when you do my hair.”
“So that’s it then. I have to stay.”
“No, that’s not what I said Princessa.”
“Abuela…”
“You and me we are the same.”
“How?”
“I left, and you left too, but you must understand that you left because I left first. Because we all had reasons to leave. That’s what you’re doing. As happy as I am to see you, I had one prayer and god answered it. I asked him to let me see you one more time…”
“Abuela!”
“I said, dear god let me see this child that you gave to me that you gave me the wisdom to raise, and god heard me.”
“You could have asked god for something....”
“This is not a time for your jokes my love. This is a time for truth. It was my children’s job to help me too. That’s the way we did it back home. Now with your parents in jail, and my other children struggling… it hasn’t worked out like it’s supposed to my love. But you’re not happy here. You’re not safe here. You are not a person who can be less brilliant, and survive, and that’s not why I left my home. That’s not why I came here, it’s not the dream I had for my children or my children’s children. If only one person makes it, if only one person achieves this goal, then it wasn’t for nothing. All of the great and terrible things that make this life mean something. I had my chance. Your father, your mother who I love as if she were my own daughter, they had their chance. Thank god they had you and Lupe before, before they got locked up. Lupe still has her chance if she can stop feeling sorry for herself, and you… you have a lot inside of you. You have things to heal, to conquer before they conquer you. You will always have troubles, and you will always face violence, and for that I hate this world but I pray for you everyday and I know that you stopped believing in prayer a long time ago, but my prayers will never end. They will keep going, and going out into the universe somewhere my love, long after I’m in heaven with god and your abuelo. You have one life, one chance my love. Don’t waste it, and don’t ever let anyone tell you that you are not worthy of the best in this world. You are my child. All I want is for you to live free and to be happy. I don’t care where you have to go to do it. And I don’t care if you going after your happiness means I never see you again in this world. If you are happy, I am always going to be okay. When the summer is over, I want you to pack your bags and if I have to push you out of this house, I will. Do you understand me? Now wipe your tears and finish with my hair. There’s been enough crying in this family for generations. It’s time for peace, joy, and blessings.”

Written by Isaiah Lopaz, Anthology / Appendix 2021

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