In The Eyes Of Our Mothers

Jazleen & Angela

“I’m watching some tv show about a Black couple, dark skinned Black man, light skinned Black woman, probably mixed race, that get into a throuple with a white girl.”
“Ugh, that sounds like trash… what’s a throuple?”
“Um… it’s a three way couple, like instead of a couple there are three people. A throuple.”
“Are you and Ash… do you two do that?”
“If we were, would you really want to know mom?”
“If you were would you tell me?”
“Maybe?”
“Are you home along again? She needs to fight harder for you.”
“No she doesn’t.”
“Yes she does!”
“I don’t want her to fight them for me. Not with them.”
“She’s their child. Okay, so we didn’t grow up like this but family is family. They have to accept her. They need to accept you, the two of you.”
“I just want to remind you how long it took you to ‘accept me’.”
“Yeah but that was a long time ago.”
“For them it’s new and they… I guess they just need time.”
“Doesn’t it bother you though?”
“I can’t do anything about it mom. That’s her family. She loves them. It could be worse. They could decide to have nothing to do with her but they don’t. And I don’t care if they don’t want me around all the time.”
“But you’re a part of Ash’s life. They need to recognise that you’re not going anywhere. Besides I’m sure at some point they knew that their daughter was…”
“That she was what mom?”
“All I’m saying is that every mother knows.”
“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Mom! Really?”
“Why are you a ha ha ha ha ha. It’s the truth. Every mother knows and it’s kind of obvious, can I say that, that she was you know… gay.”
“What makes it obvious? What does that mean?”
“The way she carries herself! The way she dresses. You’re telling me that they had absolutely no idea that that child was gay?”
“That’s not how it works. There’s not one way to be gay. You’re not gay because of how you carry yourself or how you dress. It’s not a formula like dress like this, move like this, think like… whatever.”
“Okay. You’re right. I’m sorry if I said something wrong.”
“It’s fine mom but do you know what you’re sorry for?”
“I don’t, but I’m gonna think about it and… yeah… I’m gonna think about it. Think about what I said. I didn’t mean anything but I know that that’s not enough so I’ll think about it. Anyway, her family needs to support her. That’s what I’m trying to say.”
“I know you’re trying to help or trying to be supportive. I get it, but it kind of makes me… it bothers me because I can’t do anything about it and I’m trying to just accept it for what it is. And you, you keep bringing it up every time I tell you that she’s with them, and… I don’t know… sometimes you act like it’s happening to you. Like you’re in this relationship, and… I just wish you would listen to me or just be here and… like we don’t even need to talk about it. You know?”
“Yes. You’re right. I know. I’m sorry. It, it… it hurts. It makes me angry. Maybe it even reminds me how I use to act and that’s something that I need to think about for myself. Even if it bothers me that they’re not accepting my child. That they’re not seeing that she’s someone who… is important to their daughter and that she’s someone, she’s herself and they should… I want them to look at you and to judge you for who you are. Because maybe if they did that they would see that you’re a good person for their daughter.”
“Thanks mom. I get it. It’s really… it’s really sweet.”
“You always bring up how I didn’t accept you. In the beginning…”
“That’s not true.”
“It is… you do… but I also have to be honest about how I treated you. That is how I acted. I just hope you’re still not in any way hurt by… by the past and how I behaved. I’m sorry and I’ll never… I won’t… I won’t let you go. Not again.”
“Oh mom… it’s okay. I’m okay. You raised me to be responsible for myself and you taught me to, or to at least try to just be good with me. Most of the time that’s who I am. Not all the time… but I’m okay. The past is the past. I forgive you and we are so far away from that. I never thought that you would, that  I would see you standing up for me the way that you do. It means a lot to me. And I know that you’re upset about Ash’s family, but honestly the most important thing for me is that we can hop on the train and that we’re always… we always have a home. I know Ash appreciates it.”
“I hope so.”
“She does. I know she does. She told me.”
“What are you gonna do? When Ash comes home?”
“Um… I think we’re gonna just watch Insecure.”
“Ooh. Did you send me the last episode?”
“Yeah I sent it to you on Monday.”
“Oh okay, I have to check again. I didn’t see it.”
“Did you see mom, this commercial for this series with Michaela Coel?”
“Oh that funny girl with the amazing cheekbones? Didn’t we watch her when we were making Christmas dinner?”
“It was uh, Chewing gum.”
“Yeah that’s it! I watched her on Netflix in another show, I mean in the show about the genocide in Rwanda. Did you two see that one?”
“No. Not yet.”
“I would love to see Isa and Tracy in like a spinoff.”
“Those two are both so funny.” What’s this new show about? The title is really interesting.”
“I may destroy you…. It’s… it’s about… actually… um it might not be…”
“I’m looking it up now. Oh I like that jacket that she’s wearing and her wig. She looks really good. She’s really striking. I like when she was at the BAFTA’s wearing that dress her mother... oh… oh…”
“Yeah it’s about that.”
“Phewwwwwwwww… I see. I guess I’m glad, I don’t know if glad is the right word, but I’m glad that they’re making shows about this…with girls who look like us.”

Mama Ash Esther Simon-Peter Uncle Enzo & Dad 

“Hurry up. We’re eating in ten minutes. And take off your shoes. Is that all you brought? Did you come here straight from the gym?”
“Stop yelling at me. I just got here. And I’m not late.”
“You know you’re supposed to be here at seven. You’re never here anymore. You could be on time when you do decide to come.”
“I am on time. Here.”
“No, no. Take it to your Auntie and Uncle yourself. Come in. Hurry up and take off your shoes.”
“Ash! Ash! Ash! Excuse me Auntie. Ash it’s me the tug-a-lug monster.”
“Oh no! No. I forgot my tug-a-lug monster spray. Oh no. She’s here. She’s tugging on my clothes. I think. Mom what do you think? I think I’m going to have to pick her up. I’m picking her up. She tug-a-lugging at my clothes but I’ve got her. She can’t go anywhere. I’m goin in. I’m goin in for a hug. A hug stops the tug, tug, tug-a-luggin. And I’m hugging her. And she’s hugging me back and the tugging has stopped.”
“Esther did you finish setting the table?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Go see if your parents need anything else.”
“Yes Auntie Tina. There’s somebody… a man here. I think he’s here because of…”
“Esther! What did I tell you?!”
“Sorry.”
“Why are you yelling at her? What’s she talking about?”
“Hey Ash.”
“Call her Ashleigh. She’s not not what you get after you set something on fire.”
“My bad. Sorry Auntie. Hey Ashleigh.”
“She, may not be what you get when you set something on fire but she can shorten her name because she likes Ash. Stop correcting people all the time mom.”
“Your father and I named you Ashleigh. That’s your name. It’s not Ash. It’s Ashleigh. People should call you Ashleigh and not Ash because that’s your name… Eugh… are you wearing cologne?”
“Yes mama, I am.”
“Can you… when you come here. When you’re here around us, can’t you act, can’t you just… phew, do you have to be like this when you come here? Do we have to see it, to be confronted with it. Do you have to be so, so loud?”
“You want me to take those… Ashleigh?”
“Thanks Simon-Peter. Yeah. I mean yes please.”
“Thank you Simon-Peter.”
“Mom, I just got here okay? I’m trying.”
“I’m trying too. I’ve been trying all of your life but I don’t want you throwing all of this in my face. It’s too much. It really is too much.”
“Well it’s this or nothing. It’s this or nothing. It’s…”
“Is that Goober Too Too?”
“Hey Uncle Enzo.”
“Come here. Why are you two standing in the doorway? Come in. Come inside. Alright now, she got that undercut.”
“Yes! I was like, ‘I don’t really need hair on de sides of my head and in de back’. You like it?”
“You would look good if you had no hair. If you shaved your head. It’s cool.”
“Don’t give her any ideas Enzo.”
“How is Jazleen?”
“Eugh, I’m going to see if Eugene needs help in the kitchen.”
“Yeah, why don’t you go and do that. How is Jaz?”
“She’s good. She’s just… you know she’s at home.”
“Yeah… I know. Listen don’t let me forget I made somethin for her.”
“You didn’t have to do that Uncle Enzo.”
“Yeah. I did. And it’s something she gon like. I know she like my bread puddin.”
“Now see, every time you send her something back, she’s like why can’t you cook Ash?”
“You don’t need to cook. You got me! Listen. There’s somebody here. Me and your Auntie got nothing to do with this. Sorry about it.”
“Who is it? What’s up?”
“You’re gonna see in about a minute. Just come on in. Do you… and uh, sorry for this bullshit. Like I said, we didn’t do this. Yo mama did it.”
“Ashleigh get in here.”
“Gimme your coat. Go say hi to your daddy.”
“Okay. What kind of shit is…”
“Just go and get it over with. We all trapped here. It’s like that episode of the twilight zone. You know the one.”
“Damn. Can’t it just be a dinner? Can’t we just eat and try to get a long?”
“You know we can’t. Not in this family. Everything we do is one big fuck up, but we fuck up together. At least there’s that.”
“Coming daddy!”
“That’s the spirit. We got peach cobbler for dinner. If I don’t throw it at yo mama and daddy there might be some of that left over to take to Jaz.”
“Olive juice Uncle.”
“Olive juice Goober Too Too.”

Written by Isaiah Lopaz, Anthology / Appendix 2021