She Still Asks About You Part I

Rose & Monika

“I have to tell you something.”
“What? What’s wrong?”
“Brooke knows?”
“Brooke knows? How does she know?”
“Cause she heard us. She’s been hearing us...for awhile.”
“What did she say?”
“She like… she said something like, ‘I know about you and Monika. I know what you’re doing?’”
“What? What did you say?”
“Honestly, I tried to… to just be like ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’, and she was just like ‘Girl I am not stupid’, or something like that.”
“Then what did you say?”
“I was… I was kinda quiet for like a minute and then she was looking at me… like really looking at me. And it felt like, like she saw me… like, like she knew, she really knew what we were doing. And it was just like guilt. Like I felt guilty and I… I knew she could see that, that that’s what I was thinking so I just asked her what she was gonna do. If she was gonna do anything, like tell somebody. Like my parents and stuff.”
“And what did she say?”
“Yeah… um, she said it was wrong and that my mom and dad would be really disappointed if they knew. She said it was against god, and then it was weird, like then she said… that she had done it too. That she had, she said, messed around with a friend. She said it was before she was with a guy and that she did it in high school with one of her friends and that they did it so they wouldn’t have ‘sex’ sex. And she like, asked me if that’s what it was, was like, for me and you.”
“Okay. And you said that it was?”
“I didn’t really say anything. I didn’t know what to say. We were in the lobby waiting to meet my dad’s old teacher. I don’t know, I knew something was bothering her. She was so quiet the whole day. At first I thought something was wrong with my mom or my dad or something like that. She was talking to them, but I was still in bed, and I was like thinking, why is she talking to them. Then all day she was just like, in her head, not saying much. Like yes this, and no that. She was barely looking at me and then she just cornered me and asked me.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah.”
“What did she say about me coming? Today?”
“She was like mom and dad wouldn’t like it. Like god would disagree with it. She kept saying like, just make sure when we leave that you leave ‘this’ here. She’s not gonna try to stop us.”
“What do I do when she comes back?”
“We can just stay in the room. Don’t be so nervous.”
“How am I supposed to be? She knows about us. No one was supposed to find out. It was just our…”
“Sorry. I really tried to keep her from finding out. Are you mad at me or something?”
“No. No. It’s not that. I just don’t know…. I didn’t think she was gonna, or anyone really, was gonna find out. I hope she’s not mad at me for lying to her.”
“You didn’t lie to her.”
“Yeah, I did. We did. We were doing… what we were doing, and maybe she feels like I was lying this whole time because I was hiding it from her.”
“Did she say it to you? Did she say that? That you… lied to her?”
“She didn’t use that word but…”
“Well what else did she say?”
“After I finally just, kinda told her like yeah it’s true and then she told me about her and that girl from high school she asked if I had like, done it before with another girl and I told her no. And then she asked about you and I said I didn’t know. I don’t think she believed it. But she kinda let it go. Don’t, don’t worry.”
“I hope you don’t get in trouble or something like that.”
“Brooke… me and Brooke we have each other’s back. She… she doesn’t like it but she’s not gonna tell my mom and dad about it. She wouldn’t do that. She just thinks it’s wrong.”
“Because of the church?”
“Yeah. We grew up in the church. It’s a… you know, they say it’s like a sin.”
“Brooke really believes in it though.”
“Yeah, she does. I kinda do too. I just don’t think god gets mad about stuff like this.”
“When I went to live with my grandma, that all stopped. She grew up in an almost atheist family. We never went to church.”
“But you still wouldn’t tell her would you?”
“Maybe I would… I don’t know. I… would tell her, I could tell her if I had reason too.”
“What do you mean?”
“Like if it happened again. Not with you I guess because you’re leaving but what if it happened with someone else?”
“Do you like, do you see that?”
“I don’t know… it could happen. I’m like you. I think I’m like you. I’m not, I’ve never been interested in… that. I told you what happened when I tried it. It was like, what’s all the fuss about? Is that it, but it was also like that doesn’t feel like it fits there. I wasn’t thinking about boys or having a boyfriend. I never really thought about anyone like that. I just wanted people to be nice to me. But it wasn’t like you told me where you thought about girls, other girls. I didn’t know that I could do something… kiss another girl until you kissed me the night we met. I never thought about it, and when it happened, I thought it felt so… like it was supposed to. It was so easy.”
“Are you sayin I’m fast.”
“You know I’m not sayin you is fast.”
“I like when you shake your head like that.”
“That’s how I’m supposed to do it right? With attitude!”
“Yeah, you got it. You got it.”
“I would tell my grandma, shakin my head, maybe with a cigarette in my hand, “Ja Oma, you should know I have me a girl and you can’t do anything about it, and you better not even try?”
“I bet she really misses you.”
“Maybe. I miss her. She told me she would come and visit,  but I knew she wouldn’t. I’ll see her at Christmas, so it’s not so bad. What about you and your parents?”
“Yeah, kind of. I mean they’re always in my business. Always calling me. Always telling Brooke to call me. ‘How are you grades? How is volleyball? Did your dorm mate lock the door? Don’t be out there runnin the streets with these guys. It’ll be fifteen seconds of fun and a lifetime of missed opportunities.’ But it’s strange. Brooke talks to them a lot since we’ve been here but when I talk to them, they’re always in a hurry. They like, rush me off the phone. They’re on my back a lot less cause I’m doing the whole international studies program.”
“How long are you gonna spend with them before you go back?”
“Like two weeks. My mom always throws a party. It’s kinda like a family reunion. Everybody comes. I hate it.”
“Really? I don’t know what that’s like. It’s just me and my grandma. What do you hate so much about it?”
“Yeah… it’s hard to explain. It’s just people showing off, or trying to say how much better they have it, how much better they are, than maybe someone else in the family.”
“Your family sounds like a real life Cosby show, except it’s just you and Brooke.”
“Yeah, I guess we are kind of like that. Except both me and Brooke are dark like mom. My dad’s like coffee colored. He’s the light one.”
“Yeah, I saw a picture of them in Brooke’s wallet.”
“Yeah it’s kind of mom’s thing. Ha! She was always making us take pictures. Like professional ones, and she would get her picture taken for my dad.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, not because he told her too but for Valentine’s day, their anniversary, and his birthday.”
“She gave your dad photos of herself on his birthday?”
“Every year!”
“What did he say?”
“He was always like ‘Oh baby you look so beautiful. You so beautiful baby…. What else did you get for me baby’, and then they always laugh, and she buys him the usual, like watches, golden ball point pens and leather bags.”
“Your parents sound nice. They sound like, like good parents.”
“Yeah, they cheesy. Real cheesy but… I know not everybody has what we have. I try not to take it for granted even if they get on my nerves a lot.”
“Yeah, you’re really lucky. I’m happy for you.”
“You don’t really talk that much about your mother and father. I know that they, that they’re both… gone. And it’s you and Oma. Oma… I didn’t know that meant grandma in German.”
“It’s a… you know it’s, it’s sad. And I don’t like telling it. I don’t think I remember what my parents were like together. Maybe I have like one or two memories. I do remember my dad after my mom died, but… let’s just not… I still… Brooke knows.”
“It’s okay. I mean, really… she’s not gonna, she’s not gonna do anything. It’s okay. You look so scared.”
“Yeah, I, I am.”
“Don’t worry about it. She did say that next weekend she wants to just have like a sister’s weekend.”
“Okay?”
“Is that alright?”
“Well, if it’s not alright are you going to… nevermind.”
“Wait, wait… what’s up?”
“Why didn’t you tell me this before. Does this mean that’s it? It’s just this weekend and then.... It’s done?”
“I mean…”
“Yeah, that’s… that’s what it means, right?”
“Are you mad?’
“Uhhhh.... Yeah… yeah, I am. You tell me that Brooke knows ,then you tell me not to worry. That it’s okay… then you tell me that actually, this is our last weekend. It’s kind of a lot… and you coulda told me before I came all the way here. So I’m prepared. So I know that this is the last time I’m gonna see you and… your sister knows.”
“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.”
“I’m right? That’s it?”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I shoulda told you. I, uh… this, this is not something… it’s new for me… I, I was trying to deal with it too…”
“And you said it was okay, but now she’s saying we can’t see each other next weekend, but that was the plan now for… two weeks. I asked you if you were sure. I kept asking you and I kept asking you and you said it was what you wanted.”
“I’m sorry. She just kinda said it, and I uh… I was gonna talk to her about it.”
“She’s doing this because of… what we’re doing.”
“No, I don’t think so. It’s not like that.”
“Oh come on?! Yes it is and you know it. You just didn’t have the guts to tell me.”
“Wait, why are you being like that?”
“Because Rose… what you did is really shit. You should have just told me.”
“I said I was sorry. I’m sorry.”
“You know… you knew… I told you that it was gonna be hard for me. I asked you. I asked you like three times at least.”
“But back then, then when you asked it was okay! I swear this just happened. It came out of nowhere.”
“So you asked her? Before?”
“Yeah. Yeah I did.”
“And she said it was okay… and now she’s found it and it’s not okay because she doesn’t like it… okay, that’s not your fault, but tell me this before I come here. Talk to her about it, and… and make it right. I always come to see you because I know you two are here together, and you don’t want to be in the bus that long and you don’t want to be away from your sister, but what about my feelings?”
“I was scared. I was.”
“Scared of what? Brooke?”
“Yeah, but not just that. It’s messed up. I messed up.”
“What are you afraid of?”
“Yeah… like this… like saying goodbye and stuff.”
“It’s really shitty Rose. It’s more than messed up. I’ve been coming down here the whole summer. You and Brooke are made of money. I have to, to plan for this with my money for the week. You go out to dinner every night that I’m here. You two always want to go to some club or some concert and you never once think to do something that’s a little more friendly on my pocketbook. You know I send money back to my oma!”
“You know I’m here on vacation with my sister! I’m lucky she was cool with you coming here every weekend and hanging out with us. You’ve been coming here for weeks and she didn’t say anything about it. Maybe she is mad at me. Maybe she is trying to, to break us up, because she thinks it’s wrong… but you’ve been here for weeks and she’s never said anything like you can’t be here, you’re here all the time, and now she wants us to have sister time next weekend because it’s our last weekend. If you’re… if you’re right about her and she’s like, mad or something… yeah maybe, but we’ve been together every weekend. Since we met.”
“Are you saying that you didn’t want me to be here?”
“No!”
“Because you were asking, you kept asking me every time if I was coming down. You never once offered to come to see… not during the weekend, but you could have come during the week.”
“But you said there was nowhere for me to sleep. You said that the family, that they gave you a really small room and that you could only leave after the kids had dinner. I couldn’t do both trips to be with you for two hours.”
“I didn’t say that, but you have money. You could have got a hotel and stayed the night.”
“Brooke wouldn’t let me do that.”
“You didn’t have to tell her.”
“What do you mean I don’t have to tell her? Can we just maybe calm down? It’s only Friday. I can talk to her when she comes back.”
“No. Don’t.”
“But I want to.”
“Don’t. Just don’t. Just leave it. This is our last weekend. It’s fine.”
“Monika, I’m gonna talk to her.”
“You’re just gonna make it harder on yourself. She’s doing this because she knows. Just let it go. You should have told me, but fine… you didn’t, and… I don’t want to do this.”
“I didn’t mean to do this. I don’t want it to be like this.”
“I don’t want that either but I told you, I said please tell me when it’s over. Just so I could prepare myself.”
“Can you come here or can I come over there?”
“I...”
“I want to hold you.”
“Okay.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know.”
“I’m really sorry.”
“Just don’t say anything to her. Please? Just leave it.”
“Sigh. Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I am. I’m not… I’m not trying to be, I’m not mad at you, phew… I just wasn’t expecting this. I just wanted to be prepared, you know?”
“I wish I could… I don’t know, do a semester abroad here or something like that.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean why? You know why?”
“Don’t say that. You’re gonna go back and it’s like Brooke said. It’s gonna stay here.”
“Maybe it doesn’t have to though. I don’t think I want it to. But I don’t know how we can do it. Or if we can do it. If we could try.”
“Don’t get my hopes like that.”
“Why not?”
“Because we also talked about it like, like it was gonna have a time where it was just over.”
“But I don’t think we want it to be over. I’m not gonna stop thinking about you. Just because I’m at home. Are you gonna stop thinking about me?”
“I think about you all the time Rose. When you’re gone it’s just gonna get worse. It’s gonna hurt because I won’t be able to see you or talk to you. You’re gonna be on another continent.”
“But we can try to talk and I could come here after next year maybe.”
“I don’t want you to say it unless we’re really gonna try.”
“We are really gonna try. I’m gonna try are you?”

Written by Isaiah Lopaz, Anthology / Appendix 2021