She Still Asks About You Part II

Dad Rose Mom & Brooke

“Are you here? Are you here right now?”
“Yeah…”
“Are you sure?”
“Daddy what do you… wh… no… ahhhhhh!”
“Who are you? I did… not.... raise… you to be like this!”
“Daddy… uh… stop! Stop it!”
“She’s layin up there about to die and you just went in there and told her that you’re a, a freak? What the hell is your problem? What the hell were you thinking? What are you tryna do?”
“She’s my mom.”
“What? I can’t hear you? What did you say?”
“I told her because, because if I don’t tell her now, I won’t be able to tell her. At all”
“She’s about to die and you wanna tell her that you’ve been sniffing and putting your fingers in some other girl’s…  you think that’s what she wants to know before she coughs up her last breath? You stupid, selfish, bitch. That’s what you are.”
“Reggie! Reggie!”
“I’m coming Nita. I’ll be there. When it’s over I want you… you need to leave.”
“Daddy, daddy…”
“Dad go see her. Just go dad! Please? She’s calling you. Go!”
“I want her… when it’s over I want her out of this house.”
“Dad… mom needs you. Don’t make her wait.”
“You’re gone. You hear me?”
“Sniff, sniff.”
“You’re bleeding.”
“I know. My tooth. I think he, he broke my tooth… it hurts so bad.”
“Um. It’s late but, I could get daddy’s telephone book and try to call Dr. Watson. I could take you to him if he, if he’s there.”
“What do I tell him?”
“I don’t know… C’mon. Let me get you some water and some aspirin or something.”
“Don’t… don’t call Dr. Watson. Not now. We can’t go. We have to be here… for mom.”
“Okay but here. Drink this, and wait here.”
“Ahh. Pffff. Shit!”
“Here. Take these. Take em.”
“Your face… it’s swelling.”
“It fuckin hurts…”
“Phew…”
“He just… walked over and just… ugh…”
“Why did he do that?… but why did you have to tell her? Now? Why didn’t you just, phew…”
“It’s the last time. I’m not… I wanted to tell her about it.”
“She didn't want to know that… about you…”
“Yeah. Yeah… but when she’s gone I’m not gonna be able to tell her anything anymore. I was looking at her. We were holding hands. She was telling me like she was, like she wanted me to think she was gonna… gonna be at my graduation. And my… my wedding. And… it wasn’t real. None of it. Not what she said, cause she wasn’t gonna be there but what she… what she was saying about me. It’s not true. And, this was the last time I… either told her a lie or I told her that I’m a lesbian. Really…”
“You thought you would tell her that you were a lesbian and that, what? Are you for real? Why couldn’t you just… why didn’t you just go along with it. Whatever she said, you just go along with it. It doesn’t matter. It’s not the time to tell her the truth about something that’s only gonna confuse her. That’s what you did. That’s why he’s so, so… She’s trying to make sure that we’re all gonna be good. Didn’t you listen to her at all? She’s… she’s supposed to be here for us and we need her to be here. She’s our mother. She’s supposed to tell us how to do it, what, what to do, and she’s so scared because she knows that she… she’s not gonna make it. She’s so scared that we’re gonna need her or maybe that we’re gonna get used to her not being here. She’s dying. Our mother is dying and all you can think about is yourself. What about her Rose? Huh? Did you think about that? What if she doesn’t want to die thinking about you, her daughter being some lesbian?”
“I didn’t want her to die with me not telling her this about me. I didn’t want her to die with me, with me pretending. I didn’t want my last chance with her to be a…”
“All of a sudden, now you have to her the truth? You lied to me for a whole summer. I heard you and… that girl… and I knew that you were that kinda girl. I just knew it, when I looked back. But it’s wrong. You know it’s wrong. You’re not acting on it again are you? Are you?”
“We talk.”
“What?”
“Monika. We talk. We talk a lot and she’s gonna get a job, a job here, and, and…”
“Stop it! Dad’s right about you Rose. All you think about is you. You’re so spoiled. She did it, but… phew… even if you are gonna act on it… leave mom out of it. You shoulda just left her out of it. When she… when she screamed like that… did you even think about her, how this is stressful? She needs to know that you’re gonna finish. That you’re gonna go to law school. That you’re gonna be… fine, if you’re not gonna get married, that you’re gonna be able to take care of yourself and that you me and daddy are gonna, we’re gonna stay close, stay together, after she’s gone. You just… you took that all away. Her hope. You just took it away.”
“I thought it was between me and her. Me, her, and, and god.”
“Oh now you wanna talk about god. Now you wanna talk about god? If you wanna talk about god, then don’t talk about some girl that you’re gonna do what with? What are you gonna do when she comes here? Are you gonna live together? You gonna… just… you think you can walk down the street and everyone is gonna look at you and not think anything of it, and no one’s gonna have a problem with what you’re doing? Wake up! Wake up Rose!”
“She just turned her head. She just looked at the wall, like I wasn’t even there.”
“But what did you, huhhh, what did you think? You didn’t think about it? You don’t think about things. I’ve never seen, I’ve never seen him like that. I don’t know what he’s gonna do. I don’t know what to do. I might not be able to clean this up. Not this.”
“What about mom?”
“What about her?”
“Should I try to…”
“I think… I think that’s it. See if she calls you, but leave her alone.”
“No!”
“I think so. You, you can’t go back there. She’s so fragile. She’s too weak to even cry. She’s been fighting this for so long. She didn’t want to tell you. She kept saying she was gonna get better. She made me promise not to to tell you because she said you wouldn’t be able to handle it. That it would affect you in school, your grades, your mood.”
“Why are you telling me this now?”
“You’re so self absorbed. It was easy. It was my idea to go away. I told her I would distract you, but I knew that that was gonna be easy. Then you met that girl…”
“What are you saying? Are you saying she’s… she’s been sick since before then? She’s been sick the whole time?”
“You didn’t even see it. You treat them like an atm. They’re worried about you. Even when you were a kid they were always worried about you. ‘Look after your sister Brooke’. ‘Take care of her’. ‘Watch her’. You know what was so hard? Seeing you not even notice something was… missing. Something was wrong. You didn’t even think when you looked at me that I wasn’t okay. As long as you were eating wherever you wanted to eat, going out, seeing her… you barely said two words to mom all summer.”
“Brooke, I didn’t know.”
“You didn’t care.”
“That’s not… it’s not like that. It’s not true. I just… I really didn’t know something was wrong.”
“And when you did… then look… I’m a good daughter. A good sister. You’re none of those things. All you think about is yourself, and you know what? Hhh! You’re gonna hate yourself. One day you’re gonna wake up and you’re gonna realise what you did, and it’s gonna be too late.”


Oma & Monika


“Yes, I will. I want to see this, this man that you are going all the way to America to be close to.”
“You will not come to see me. You didn’t even come to England when I was there.”
“You knew I wasn’t going there. I only told you that just to say it, so you knew that I… knew how far away you were going, and that it would be the first that you returned since you came to live here. And that it was a very significant moment, your first time living on your own. But you knew I wasn’t coming.”
“Yes, I… I knew,  but I still thought that maybe you might come.”
“Nobody wants to see me there.”
“If you really think that, do you think it’ll be better in the U.S.A.?”
“It’s so big. No one will notice me there. But you are trying to change the subject and I know that’s what you’re doing. At least tell me his real name?”
“I already told you.”
“Rosen? Am I really supposed to believe his name is Rosen?”
“Yes!”
“There are many things that I, I didn’t understand. I still don’t. But you never lied to me.”
“Oma!”
“What will you do when I visit you there? Are you going to hide him then too?”
“If you visit, you’ll meet him.”
“Well I’m coming this time Monika. I am.
“Then come oma. Come.”
“I have the feeling that you will stay there, in America and that you won’t come back.”
“I’ll come back as soon as I can. I’ll call you every week. Just like I did in England.”
“Call me just to say hello. Just to talk. That’s it. Don’t call me because you think I’m here all by myself. I don’t want your pity.”
“Oma I’ll call you and we’ll talk like we always do.”
“You’re so like him. You have to live your life. So headstrong. Just like your papa did. This family, the von Diel’s, they’re reliable?”
“Yes. The agency placed me with them. I’ve spoken with the wife and the husband, and even one of the kids. One of three. Three kids! I’m used to two, but three!”
“You will manage. It’s just one year, right?”
“Yes oma. Just a year, but I told you already that I’m going to see if I can go to school there too.”
“Oh Monika! Do you think so?”
“Rose… Rosen is helping me look into it, but I think I can apply to go to a… they call it, community college. And they accept international students. I’m going to talk to whoever I need to talk to at the school.”
“Oh I hope so Monika. What happened to you at the school. I did. I didn’t know how to fight for you. Your father, he wasn’t smart like you and we… we’re not an educated family. When they said you couldn’t go to the high school I didn’t know I was supposed to fight. And I didn’t believe you when you said it was about your color.”
“Oma, I don’t want to talk about that. Let’s see if I can get into this school. If I can, if I can do it, then oma I would be gone for maybe a long time.”
“Yes, of course you have to be on your own and figure out your own life for yourself. But how long is a long time?”
“I have to see… but it would be two years at the community college and then I could transfer to university. I don’t know how I’m gonna do it with the money, but I’ll find a way.”
“You will. And I’ll help you as much as I can. You know that. I don’t want you looking after other people’s children for the rest of your life. It’s honest work, but you, you are supposed to be doing something else. You have to find what that is and do it. I just hope that you can come to see me. From time to time.”
“So you won’t be coming to see me?”
“You know that I can’t. I was hoping you would tell me everything. The truth Monika.”
“Oma!”
“I haven’t been the best oma. I wasn’t ready to have another child. I didn’t accept your father’s marriage. I didn’t accept your mother. I didn’t try to, to do anything when she died. And when he died… when I saw my son… and you. I couldn’t believe how much you looked like him. I didn’t think it was possible. It was so hard that first year.”
“Oma you’re saying that we like I wasn’t there.”
“For you it must have been really a shock. That I understand. It must have been the biggest shock of your young life.”
“It was. I’m still in shock sometimes. I don’t think, I don’t know if things like that go away.”
“I wasn’t so tough before. I was never so cold.”
“I remember the first week just staying in my room. I thought you were gonna send me away somewhere”
“It’s because of how I… my demeanour. I was so reserved. Scared. Heartbroken. For you, and for him. He loved you. He tried to get me to love you too. I wish… I wish that I had listened to him. That I could have seen my son be the father that he never had. I wish I could be a part of some of  the good memories that you have of him… that’s the only consolation that I have.”
“I was daddy’s girl. I can’t believe… it’s almost been ten years.”
“Look at you. Going off to the United States.”
“If he was here… but when I think about that, when I think about everything, if papa was here my life, both of our lives would have been so different. I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t leave him. I wouldn’t go anywhere… but maybe I would. Maybe I… because he would have been alive and I would have had him all that time, maybe I would go… who knows where?! Everything would have been different with school. Yeah kids might have called me a golliwog or darkie…”
“What’s a, a golliwog?”
“It’s a doll with black skin, and black ribbons for hair. A caricature. A racist one… but he would’ve made sure that I was okay at school.”
“Monika I’m sorry that I didn’t do this for you.”
“Stop saying that oma. I know. It’s too late, but I know.”
“I can’t stop feeling sorry for what I did. What I didn’t do, and how I treated you.”
“You know who I feel sorry for the most? Papa! He must have been so worried when it was happening. Sometimes I think about him. I have this… I don’t know if it’s a dream, but I think about him looking at us and smiling. You know I don’t believe in heaven, but...”
“The world is too evil for me to believe that there’s something better waiting for us. I don’t care who you are. I can’t believe that.”
“It must have been really hard for papa. I know you two didn’t get along very well and that’s why he left. I will never understand that, and it hurts when I think about it. Not just for me, but what my mom must have felt like and what  he felt like for sure.”
“It is my greatest shame. The way I behaved about your mother. I deserve to be punished.”
“You have been oma. Mama too. Papa too, and me. Everyone’s been punished in this family.”


Rose & Monica
“If you weren’t here I don’t know what I would do.”
“I’m here. I’m here.”
“I wake up, and you’re there, and it still just doesn’t seem real. Like how is this real? She’s really here.”
“This happens to me too. I look over at you, doing your homework, or when we’re at Blanca’s, or at BSU, and I see you. And it’s like we’re here.
Together. Finally.”
“You have to stay.”
“We’re gonna figure it out.”
“Now that you’re here, I can’t let you go. You’re not going anywhere.”
“I don’t want to go anywhere! Where would I go? I want to be right here with you. I’m gonna stay right here.”
“That’s all I want!.”
“Me too.”
“I just feel bad sometimes because of school and stuff and then your job.”
“You’ve got next year, and then grad school. And hopefully, I can get a student visa. The von Diel’s, my job, I just have to stick it out right? I’ve got you… I can do this. We can do this!”
“I know. But I’m worried sometimes.”
“Don’t worry about me. I can handle it. I can take care of myself.”
“If he touches you again…”
“He’s not gonna do it.”
“But you would tell me if he did it, if he tried again?”
“He won’t.”
“But you’ll, but you’ll tell me?”
“He won’t. He won’t. I don’t want you to think about that. You have enough on your plate. I know how to keep my head down, do my job… and… I’m okay. It’s okay.”
“Hey… you know I love you?”
“I love you too.”
“How much do you love me?”
“So much that I can’t… explain how much I love you. I can’t. I’ve never been this happy.”
“I feel exactly the same way. It feels so good to be like this with you. It’s like so good that it’s like… ah, this is gonna sound so corny but it’s like you’re… shit I can’t say it.”
“Say it!”
“Naw, I can’t do it. Can’t do it.”
“Say it!”
“It’s like you’re… a part of me and I’m a part of you!”
“A ha ha!”
“You’re laughing at me. You’re so mean!”
“Well that was corny like you said, but it was also really sweet. Come here. Muah.”
“Muah. Muah. Muah. Muah.’
“Muah. Muah. Muah. Muah. Muah.”
“You came here, for me.”
“Yeah, for you. For me. For us.”
“Sometimes that hits me. Like you made a sacrifice for me.”
“It doesn’t… it doesn’t feel like that. Not really. Honestly, I do miss oma. But we talk, and yeah, she’s okay.”
“I like her accent. It’s funny. I mean she sounds cute.”
“She is cute. She’s even cuter now because she knows and she doesn’t care that you’re a woman. I didn’t think she would… but I… I didn’t know, and you never know, I guess. You know what I like? I know it’s just downtown, but I like that we can be ourselves and no one really looks at us here.”
“Hmm. Is that what you think? I’m always watching. I’m always trying to stay ready in case we have to run or get away! Because someone is seeing us and seeing… it. Sometimes people can’t see it. You know what I mean? They don’t see it because for them what we have… it doesn’t exist because it’s not supposed to. So sometimes they see us but they don’t see us. But sometimes, they don’t see us and it’s that Black invisibility. When they see us, they don’t see us as a couple. We’re something else.”
“It’s hard sometimes not to just look at you. To touch you when we’re outside. I want to touch you all the time. Hold your hand. I wish we had a place where we could do that and not have to worry about anything.”
“At least we have here. I’m so glad I got out of the dorms. I can’t believe he gave me the money.”
“Has Brooke been in touch at all?”
“Maybe like, two, three weeks ago. It’s been, yeah, she’s… phew….”
“I know....”
“Yeah… but I can’t do anything about it. And when we do talk it’s always like we talk around things. We don’t talk about what happened. If I start to ask her about her life or if I even get close to asking about daddy, she’s really short with me. Like, ‘I have to go’, and that’s it.”
“I really hope that one day things will be different, that you can, all of you, just talk. Just one conversation.”
“I wish I could believe that, well I guess you said hope, so I wish I could hope for that to happen, hope that we could do that. But we’re never gonna be the same again. It’s never gonna be like it was.”
“It can’t be. Your mom’s gone. And not only that but they know that you are who you are and they don’t like that. I just hope that they can accept it one day. I’m frustrated for you. When you lose people at an early age you learn really fast that life is… there’s no guarantees. I just hope that they wake up and see that.”
“Me too. That’s the only thing missing. That’s the only thing that I can want, that can happen. I can’t get my mom back, but we could be, we could try to be a family.”
“I wish you could come with me to Frankfurt.”
“Me too. But I wanna be here. Maybe they’ll tell me that I come home. I’m not counting on it or anything like that, but if they do, I wanna be here. Just in case.”
“Do you want me to… should I stay Rose?”
“Uh uh! No. You have to go. She needs you too. She’s your other person. It’s just two weeks.”
“Two weeks. That’s such a long time. What am I gonna do without you?”
“Is it gonna snow there? Does it snow there too?”
“It rains, but no snow.”
“At least you get a break from the von Diel’s too.”
“I really need it. She treats me like she thinks I want to be her friend. Like I’m not just there to take care of her kids. I just wanna do my job. I’m there for them, not for her. She’s still trying to get me to come to Cologne.”
“Really?
“Phew… yeah.”
“You told her no right?”
“Yes, I did but… she won’t stop asking me. ‘Are you sure? Are you sure? Is it about the money?’ I said no, just leave me alone. I think I would lose it if I had to spend Christmas with them.”
“You can’t do it.”
“I’m not. Oma would be really annoyed if I did.”
“I wanna meet her. I have to meet her. I’m going to Germany. No! To Deutschland.”
“I really wanna see you in Frankfurt. I mean, I have a complicated relationship with that place, but I want to be there with you, because it’s kind of my home. And you meeting oma, it’s like all of the places and people that make home home being in one place.”
“Sometimes I… I think about what you were like when you were little. Sometimes I think about you at that time in that picture where you have the baseball cap, and it’s like I hear you telling me about you and your dad moving and living with… what was her name?”
“Estelle.”
“Yeah, and how she treated you.”
“It was okay. She just wanted my dad. She didn’t want a daughter. She just wanted to be with him, and as long as I was quiet, she was okay. But she was… she was really jealous of me and him. And I felt it. I remember it, knowing what it was. And even then, I thought, but how could she act like that? I mean she didn’t do anything really… it was just how it felt when I walked into a room. Or, you know I was really uncomfortable being alone with her and her son.”
“You told me he was, he was weird to you.”
“Yeah he was. But I fought him and he knew, and she knew too that if I told my dad, my dad would have, he would have handled it. So she kept him in line. I wonder what they’re doing now. If they’re still there in that house?”
“I’m glad you have oma.”
“I have oma and you. My two women.”

Written by Isaiah Lopaz, Anthology / Appendix 2021