She Still Asks About You Part III

Brooke & Rose

“Rose? Rose? Do you see what time it is?”
“I was a good daughter too.”
“What?”
“I was a good daughter. I’m a good sister.”
“Are you drunk?”
“It was so hard. What you said to me was so hard.”
“You shouldn’t, you shouldn’t have called. If you woke him up, he would’ve been really mad.”
“I’m calling to tell you that… it’s not true.”
“What’s not true?”
“What you said about me. Uh uh, it’s not true.”
“Rose, just quit. I’m trying to do what mom would have wanted me to do. Dad’s, he’s still mad at you. He’s never gonna get over it. I have to, I have to act like you don’t even exist. He doesn’t want to hear anything about you, your name, nothing. Do you know how hard that is?”
“It’s hard for you?”
“I’m not the one who did this. You put yourself in this situation.”
“I wanted to be like her.”
“If you wanted to be like her, you should have fought ‘it’. You should’ve tried. Harder! Maybe you can’t help how you feel but you can help what you do with it. You don’t have to act on it.”
”Remember when I asked you… I asked you what… what’s gay mean? What does that mean, and do you remember what you told me?”
“No Rose. I don’t remember.”
“It’s when two men like each other and they do nasty things together. You were so, so graphic… And it’s wrong and they go to hell for it.”
“That’s what the bible says, that what, everyone who talks about that, says. I told you what I knew.”
“I know. I know. You don’t think I know that... But that was a lot, everything you told me. It was too much. It was hard because… because you said two men. And I had a crush on, on Ladasha. When you said that it was wrong, I remember trying not to feel that way. But I felt that way about Miss Marie when she was doing my hair, Mrs. Lewis, Auntie Sharon… I would try to go one day, just one day without thinking about a girl or… a, a woman, like that, and I couldn’t do it. No matter how hard… I tried. I really tried.”
“What do you want me to do now? Nothing’s changed. I’m not judging you for… who you are but I believe what I… what I read, about that. You’re calling me, and it’s three am, and you could’ve woken him up. What do you want me to do about it? I… I’m tired of, I’m tired of, I’m tired of it just being me. Me doing all of this work, all the time. What do you want?”
“I don’t… I don’t know… I just wanted to… I just wanted to hear you.”
“We’re here, because you put us here.”
“He wouldn’t even let me go to her funeral. You wouldn’t even let me say goodbye to her. I never got to do that.”
“I hate that you weren’t there, because it’s like you were'n’t there for her. When you told us what you told us and daddy… it made it it’s because of that that you weren’t there. I couldn’t do anything about it. We just wanted her to be as comfortable as she could, we wanted to celebrate her life and you ruined it. I know… I know you didn’t mean to, but you did.”
“But why are you saying it like that? Why did you say it like, like I was the one responsible… you sound like I, like I killed her. She was dying. I wanted to tell her the truth. That’s all I wanted.”
“Well you told her.”
“What about you?’
“What?”
“Daddy… yeah, maybe he hates me. But what about you? Do you have to hate me too?”
“It wasn’t just her you know? That day, that time, I lost her and I lost you. Our family, it died. Everything was gone, the same day. It was supposed to be a summer thing. You have it, and then it’s gone and you grow out of it.”
“Maybe you did… but Monika was my first… everything! We are, we were in love. I loved her and she, she came all the way here, she came here to be with me.”
“Maybe. Maybe you are in love, but you shouldn’t have said anything about it. Keep it to yourself. You opened all of this up. You broke everything. We’re never gonna like we were before.”
“I didn’t do it!”
“You didn’t do what?”
“I didn’t make her sick.”
“No, but you made a sick woman worry. You made her ashamed. That’s why I’m angry with you. You don’t get it. If you feel something, you have to do something about that feeling. You don’t think about other people. She actually asked me before you told her. I didn’t say a word. Then she said that I had to keep, to hold us all together. He started drinking Rose. They just put him on leave. They called me and told me that he came to work drunk. Our dad, who didn’t even use listerine… Losing mom and then losing you… it’s too much for him. It’s too much Rose. And I’m angry because I can’t do what mom asked me to do. I can’t keep the family together. I don’t know how to. And… there’s no one’s there for me. No one’s ever there for me.”
“Brookie, I, I can come and take care of you.”
“If you were here, I’d be taking care of you too and not the other way around. You come first. They put you first. They made me put you first, and you always put yourself first.”
“Brookie that’s not fair...”
“Rose, I bet she hasn’t even been gone for more than one day. And look at you. You’re drunk. Don’t… don’t call here again. He doesn’t want to talk to you and I don’t want to, I’m not gonna be in the middle. Maybe things’ll change. Maybe they want, but now it’s you and daddy’s thing. I’m out.”
“Well… I don’t think that’s, that’s, it hurts. It hurts a lot.”
”Well, everybody here whose left, everybody’s hurting.”
”So… I can’t… I can’t even call to talk, to talk to you?”
”Not while I’m living here taking care of him and he doesn’t want to talk to you. No. Somebody has to take care of him now. Mom’s gone and you… you’re, you’re not here. So, no. Don’t call me.”
”So I can never call?”
”No Rose. Like I said, don’t call over here anymore.”
”Is it… is it always gonna be like that?”
“I don’t know.”
“I’m sorry Brooke.”
“Are you though? Really? Would you take it back?”
“What?”
“Would you take it all back?”
“I don’t… I…”
“It’s a real simple question Rose. I’ll ask you another way? Was it worth it? Are you happy?”
“I feel… I am and I’m not. How can I be happy? I feel incomplete. I’m really missing you and daddy… in my life, and it’s hard because you both are still here but now you say, you don’t want to talk anymore and he doesn’t either.”
“But what about her… does she make you happy?”
“Why do you call her ‘her’? You say it like, you say ‘her’ like you didn’t even know her. Like you never met Monika. Like she wasn’t your friend.”
“She wasn’t.”
“She was with us like every weekend. You liked her. I know you did.”
“That was before I knew.”
“We… love each other, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss you and daddy. That I don’t need you and daddy. I… I need you. I still need you. Is it really because you believe it’s wrong too. Like you really believe that?”
“You don’t act on it. I told you when we go, you leave that here. You coulda had your fun and we could have just… never talked about it. But you had to keep doing it.”
“All I wanted to do was not to lie to her. I didn’t want my last conversation with my mom to be a lie.”
“That’s your problem Rose. That’s it right there. Do you how many times I lied to her? Do you even know why I did it? It must be nice. It must be so nice to watch your mother die, and all you can think about is, ‘Geez, I sure don’t want my last conversation with her to get me to tell her a lie.’ Every time I said don’t worry about me I lied. I lied to her ten times a day, because it was better to lie to her and than to make her stressed out, exhausted. And she wasn’t stupid. She knew I was lying, but she tried to pretend, she tried to believe. I’m done Rose. Don’t call again. And don’t do anything stupid. Just, drink some water and go to bed.”
“Brookie… I… I know you’re mad at me. I know it. Okay, I know but I just have to tell you that no matter what, no matter what Brookie, I love you.”
“I know you think you do. But love wouldn’t do what you did. That’s not love.”


Rose & Monika 


“I didn’t know Blanca was gonna be there. I’m sorry. I know it’s weird.”
“If you didn’t know… if you didn’t think she was gonna be there, then why are you sorry? Is it your fault… if you didn’t know?”
“No, that’s… that’s not what I meant. I’m sorry cos I know it’s weird and I know that’s my fault.”
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say Rose. What do you want me to say?”
“Nothing. You don’t have to say anything. I just… I’m just trying to…”
“Yeah it was weird seeing her. Actually it’s weird that I didn’t see her all this time. Kinda like she was avoiding us, or avoiding me, or like everybody knows and they make sure that we’re not in the same place. At the same time. It’s kinda weird how that happened. Doncha think?”
“People do know…”
“Yeah. Yeah, they do. I thought so. Did they know before I did? I bet they did.”
“Uh…”
“I’m not mad about it. I’m not mad about seeing her. I think it’s really weird that she was one of the first people here that I met and became friends with. I was starting to think of her as not just your friend but my friend too. And then what happened, happened, and she just disappeared. And at the party it was like, ‘Oh shit, they’re both here at the same time’. It’s really weird and just also, really unnecessary. The whole thing. It’s your shit. It’s Blanca’s shit. I didn’t even need to know. That’s what I’m angry about now. I just didn’t even need to know. Our friends didn’t need to know. It should have stayed between you and Blanca. If you weren’t gonna leave me for her, then I really just didn’t need to know. Now you’re not talking to her, she’s not talking to me, why? She just assumed or you two decided without asking me, that I lost out on a friendship because of some… because you two spent the night together. You told me because you had a guilty conscious…”
“I didn’t wanna lie to you.”
“You’re lying right now!”
“No I’m’ not! What do you mean?”
“You’re lying. You’re lying to me… again… now. Right now! You didn’t tell me for my own good. What good is it? We were good before this happened. Things fit. I came all the way here and I didn’t have any doubts about it, and then when I got here it was like, phew, but it works. Things made sense. I felt good with you. I felt like finally we were… we were together. We were here. I came here. I came here because I wanted to be with you. And I started doing things here, I was finding my way and… I got to see you. I got to be twenty minutes away from you. I got to have a life here… a job… it’s a shitty job, but it pays well and I’m good at it. And then there were all of our plans. And the people I started to like here. To really like, and feel comfortable around. That’s not easy for me. I got to meet other Black women, and Black women like us. Finally, I felt like with you, I was where I wanted to be. And then all of this. And it’s, it’s funny that you can’t stop lying to me.”
“I am really sorry for what I did. That’s what I’m trying to say. And you can be mad at me as long as you want to. You have the right to be mad at me. But it’s not true that I told you, not because of, or for you. I did tell you. I didn’t want to lie to your face. I didn’t want to disrespect you, even more than I already did. I didn’t want it to be like I was treating you like… like I was making a fool of you.”
“That’s funny Rose because I don’t feel like the shitty thing you did, the really shitty thing, makes me look like a fool at all. One of us is a fool. Guess which one? It’s not me. That wasn’t about me at all. I even kinda understand why you did it. I think… It was clear that she had a thing for you, and I just kinda thought who wouldn’t, and she, Rose, is with me. She’s with me and I’m not gonna be, it doesn’t make sense to be jealous. I want her. Other people want her too. They’re gonna want her too. At least I’m in front of the line and I know that it’s me and her. You didn’t make a fool of me. It’s sad that you don’t know that. You don’t know who you are.”
“I know that I’m good when I’m with you.”
“Hmmm. Well… you have a really funny way of showing it.”
“I know that I’m happy when I’m with you. I know that I feel like myself when I’m with you.”
“Who are you? Who is this self?”
“I’m… I’m yours…”
“Mine? You’re mine… You’re doing it again.”
“What? What am I doing? I wish I could say something. Right now. I wish I knew what to say.”
“My stepmom used to say, what was it, oh! ‘If wishes were ponies then beggars would be riders’. She used to say that all the time when me and Jathan were annoying her ,talking about we wish we didn’t have to clean the stairs, or we wished we could go to Mc Donald’s, or we wished… whatever we wished for, and she would always, always say that to us. To this day it’s hard for me to say ‘I wish’. When I was wishing that I could be with you and my oma at Christmas, you weren’t thinking about me.”
“That’s not true… I was. I was thinking about you.”
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’m bored.”
“Okay… okay. What do you want? Can I get something… for you? Do you want coffee?”
“Coffee at, what time is it? Eleven twenty-seven. No I don’t want coffee right now before bed. Do you want coffee?”
“Uh… it just. It was just an idea. Oh! I have a piece, one piece of that kahlua cream cheese cake you like. You can have it if you want.”
“We just had dinner.”
“Yeah, but it’s, it’s not like food. It’s cake. Cheesecake.”
“I bought it for you. No, I don’t want it. It’s yours.”
“Water? You want water?”
“If I want something Rose, I’ll get up and get it myself.”
“I’m gonna, gonna play something.”
“Ms. Witmore ain’t gonna like that.”
“I’ll keep it down. What do you feel like listening to?”
“You pick?”
“Maybe Sade?”
“Yeah, it’s fine.”
“Are you cold? I’m cold?”
“Turn on the heater then.”
“Okay.”
“Are you sure I can’t get you something?”
“It’s too loud. Mrs. Witmore’s gonna be bangin on the door any minute now.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. It’s your house. I don’t live here.”
“Thanks for telling me. That it’s too loud.”
“You’re welcome… I guess?”
“Do you wanna call oma? I can turn off the music and read in my room if you wanna talk to her.”
“I’ll call her… I’ll call her next weekend.”
“The weekend’s over already. I don’t wanna go to school tomorrow.”
“You go to one of the most well known schools in the world and I’m trying to get into a community college so I can study and stay here with you, but you don’t want to go to school. I feel really bad for you.”
“That’s not what I meant. I just… I just meant I wish the weekend was, I meant a little bit longer. That’s all I’m sayin.” 
“Some people have real problems.”
“Should I just leave you alone? You want some space?”
“Yeah Rose. Run away if you like. Go to your room.”
“Is that what you want? You want me to do that?”
“I… want you to do whatever you wanna to do. I… don’t wanna tell you what to do. I never did.”
“Right. Okay. Do you wanna go to bed?”
“I’ll be fine out here. And I’m not tired yet.”
“Should I get you another blanket?”
“This one’s fine.”
“Hot water bottle?”
“No. No thank you.”
“Can I sit here. Next to you?”
“You can sit wherever you want to. It’s your house.”
“But I’m asking you if I can sit next to you. Is that okay?”
“If you’re gonna sit next to me, just sit down, be still, and be quiet. Be quiet Rose. And just leave me alone.”


Mrs. von Diel & Monika


“Monika! Monika! I feel like we never get to talk. You’ve worked here for months now and you’re so good with the kids, but I don’t, I don’t really know who you are and I was thinking it’s so strange that you work for me, you live in my house, you sleep here and we’ve never really had a conversation. A real conversation. Don’t you think that’s strange?”
“I haven’t really thought about it like that Mrs. von Diel. I’m so busy taking care of the children. That’s what you and Mr. von Diel have hired me to do. I try to do my job and to be professional. I respect yours and Mr. von Diel’s privacy, and I just want to be, I want to do a good job.”
“See that’s what I… that’s why I like you Monika. You’re a real, a real workhorse. And you don’t have to worry about being professional. You’re very professional. I know that. I see how hard you work, and I appreciate it. We both do. I just… I just want to get to know you. I feel like I don’t know you. Why don’t you come and have a drink with me? We can have some girl talk!”
“It’s late Mrs. von Diel. I need to go to bed so that I can wake up tomorrow and get the children ready and off to school. I better get some rest.”
“Oh come on. Come on Monika. It’s just a glass of champagne. One glass of champagne. One drink. Just a drink. I just want to get to know you. Don’t you want to get to know me? Come on! Don’t be so difficult.”
“Here. I can sit down and we can talk while I drink this glass of water.”
“Oops. But look! I just poured you a glass of champagne. Don’t tell me you don’t drink. I saw you and… and… what’s her name? What is her name? Your little friend. The one I always see you with whenever we bump into each other?”
“I’m not sure who you, who you’r talking about?”
“You’re with her every time we see you. Every time we run into you, you’re together. You know who I’m talking about! What is her name?”
“I think you’re talking about my friend Rose.”
“Rose! Oh Rose! That’s it! That’s right. That’s her name. I knew it was something like that because I remember being so surprised, like, that’s her name? You know some people’s names just don’t fit them at all. She doesn’t, she doesn’t look like a rose. Oh no. Oh no! I didn’t mean it like that. Not that she doesn’t look like a rose, I mean she’s very pretty… I just meant the name… Rose, it just doesn’t fit her. Do you know what I’m trying to say? And she also has that really deep, really husky voice. Does she sing?”
“She does a lot of things but she, she’s gonna be a social worker.”
“Ooh a social worker. Your community really needs, I would say, more people like her. I hope she can find a job when she graduates.”
“Why wouldn’t she? I don’t understand”
“Well… I guess it depends on where she wants to go, and what she wants to do. The world is changing. It’s always changing. I’m sure she’ll find something. She’s a very smart girl. I can tell just by the way she looks at you. She’s so focused on whatever you’re saying. You two always look so, so cosy together. At least, when I run into you.”
“Thank you Mrs. von Diel.”
“Will you cut the Mrs. von Diel crap? We’re just two gal pals having drinks aren’t we? Mr. von Diel’s not around. It’s Holly. My name is Holly. You know, when I was around your age I had a friend kind of like Rose. Cynthia was her name, and she did not look like a Cynthia. She didn’t walk like a Cynthia, dress like a Cynthia, or do anything, like you would think someone named Cynthia would. Kind of like… Rose.”
“I don’t know what you mean Mrs. von Diel….”
“Holly! And yes you do. You do Monika. Don’t worry! Your secret’s safe with me! I’m not blind and I’m not stupid. I know what I saw, because I used to be that girl with Cynthia Mosely. Of course we were very, very careful. But you don’t have to pretend with me. I mean, truth be told, I was actually relieved when I put two and two together. I mean look at you? And men being men, no woman wants a nanny with your face and your figure around her husband, but you were really the right person for the job. Even if I had to convince Mr. von Diel to let me hire you. These Germans I tell you. We had a copy, a photocopy of your passport and everything but he thought that, ha, he thought that the agency was playing some sort of prank on us. I told him, we at least have to call the girl, and I wish you could have seen his face when he was talking to you in German! When he got off the phone, he hung up and just shook his head and had the most ridiculous smile. That’s my husband! I was worried because you are exactly the kind of exotic beauty that he likes and I know because that’s why he came running after me! People can’t really put their finger on it. They can never quite guess where I’m from but the secret is that I’m one quarter Chinese. So when I found out that you had a little, well, you had a ‘rose’, I was so relieved. One less thing for me to worry about because my husband is the biggest flirt and women just find him irresistible. Hhhhh! I just said, ‘Thank you god’, and breathed a sigh of relief.” 
“Mrs. von Diel… this is a job. I’m grateful to work for you and Mr. von Diel, and I really, I really like taking care of Max, Denis, and Saskia. That’s all I want to do, is just do a good job.”
“And you’re doing just that. Have I made you uncomfortable?”
“No. No you haven’t. I just… I don’t want to get too, huh, too close with you because this is a job. A job that I take very seriously.”
“Honey, I get that. I just want you to know that I know about you and Rose and that it’s okay. I mean, I’m okay with it. You can feel free to invite her around when you want to. And she can stay the night. Just make sure that if she does that she leaves before Mr. von Diel has the chance to see her. He wouldn’t… he wouldn’t understand and I wouldn’t want him asking too many questions. We can just keep this between us girls.”
“I’ve never brought a friend or anyone else here Mrs. von Diel.”
“True. That’s true. I guess that’s why you’re gone almost every weekend? I guess you’re with Rose. Okay, okay. God you’re tightlipped. If you don’t want to tell me about Rose tell me about your family?”
“You know about my oma…”
“That’s not what I mean and you know it! Tell me about your parents. You never talk about them. When we asked you about your family that was the only thing we weren’t sure about, even me. I wanted to know that you came from a good home, but you just talked about your oma and I knew then there was more to the story. I wasn’t snooping. I never snoop, but I saw the photo of you and your father that you keep on the dresser. When did he… he died, didn’t he?”
“Yes. A long time ago.”
“When did he pass?”
“Almost nine years ago.”
“How did it happen?”
“He… there was something wrong with his heart and it, yeah… he, he didn’t know. We didn’t know and he died.”
“And so you were living in London at the time? I kept thinking during the telephone interview why does she sound so London? How can someone who’s not so educated speak English that well with that accent. Why did your mom send you to Germany after your father died? I bet she had a lot of kids to take care of. Was that it?”
“My mom didn’t send me anywhere. It was my stepmother, and she had just one son from her first marriage. Her first husband died in an accident.”
“Oh that’s terrible. My god, I’m so sorry to hear that. She lost her first husband and her second husband. Was her first husband German too?”
“No. I don’t… no he wasn’t.”
“Was he… a Black chap?”
“I think he was Jamiacan too, but I don’t know.”
“She never talked about him with you?”
“No. She never talked about the man that she married before my dad with me. Not once. Not ever.”
“Well when you say it like that, it sounds so strange. I don’t think it’s so out of the box that she wouldn’t have talked to you about him.”
“Well she didn’t.”
“You two weren’t very close?”
“No. never.”
“I guess that’s why she sent you away?”
“I’m glad she did.”
“Really? From London to Frankfurt! That must have been a wild ride. Tell me, what happened to your mom?”
“I did tell you during the interview that uh, she died too. I was four years old when it happened.”
“Do you remember her at all?”
“I remember a few things about her. Not much, but there are some things about her that I remember.”
“I bet she loved you. I bet she thought you were special. Half Jamiacan, half German! What a mix! What did she die of?”
“She died in hospital after, after having my brother.”
“Oh she was pregnant! What about the baby?”
“He died too.”
“Oh that’s so terrible. You and your poor, poor dad. I’m so sorry to hear that. So after you lost your father and your stepmom sent you to Germany what was that like?”
“I got to meet my oma, and I had to learn German, I went to school. I don’t know?”
“You know, you don’t really look… you don’t look that mixed to me? Do people tell you that”
“What does tha… what do you mean?”
“I don’t know? I see the Jamaican. You just look like a Black girl. A pretty one, don’t get me wrong… but mixed girls are so pretty, in a very different way. They just seem to get the best of both worlds. I bet you take after your mom.”
“Mrs. von Diel, I’m gonna go to bed.”
“No. No! Stay here. We’re just getting to know each other. I want to know more about you. I want to know all there is to know about you.”
“No…. I’m gonna go to bed.”
“Okay. I guess you’re giving the orders around here. Treating me like one of my children. We were having such a good time. I thought we were really getting to know each other. Now you wanna go off to bed.”
“Yes, it’s time Mrs. von Diel. Good night.”
“I told you to call me Holly.”
“I’m gonna call you Mrs. von Diel because this is my place of work.”
“Is that all we are to you? A job? Saskia’s really going to miss you.”
“And I’m gonna miss her too, but this is… this is what comes with this job.”
“At least drink the champagne I poured for you.”
“I’m going to bed. Goodnight.”
“This is the best job you’ve ever had isn’t it? It’s probably the best job you’ll ever have. What did your parents do? Did your mama take care of kids too?”
“She was a cook.”
“And your dad? What did he do?”
“He worked in construction.”
“Would you like to stay with us. After your contract’s up? Me and my husband, we really like you.”
“Thank you for the offer but no.”
“Well what are you gonna do? What else can you do?”
“Oh, I’ll be alright. I’ll find something.”
“Maybe you’ll be a cook too.”
“It’s honest work as my oma would say.”
“What does that mean?”
“Don’t you know what honest work is?”
“If it’s not cooking or construction work it’s not honest? Is that what you’re saying?”
“No Mrs. von Diel. I didn’t say that. You did.”

Monika and Rose


“Maybe we should’ve taken a break. I could have taken my time, and then come back. Back to you.”
“You didn’t feel like fighting anymore, and there were so many things to fight, so many things against, against you. Then there’s what I did, and then there were, it was a long time ago and things were different, and things were also against us too.”
“Oh don’t start with all that.”
“I’m not. I’m just saying, just acknowledging the fight you put in. How you were feeling then. I understood why you just packed up and left. I knew how evil white people were, I just didn’t think she was gonna do all that. She literally ran you out of town, ran you out of the country. I’ll never forget you telling me she even got you fired from a job out there.”
“Yeah. She did. A friend got me a summer job in Cologne before oma had the stroke, and who came walking through the door? Oh let’s not talk about it anymore. I can’t believe you’re coming here with your love and I finally get to meet her. We have four hours to talk before your next flight.”
“I hope it’s okay to just hang out in the airport? She’s really nervous that we’ll leave and then we’ll miss our flight.”
“It’s okay. There’s something about it that I like.”
“Really? What’s to like about hanging out in the airport? I thought you’d want to show me around.”
“I would like that too, but it just makes sense that I see you at a place like an airport. After all this time.”
“It’s only been twelve years! What are you talking about all this time?!”
“Shut up. It’s a long time.”
“It is. But I still don’t get what you mean. About the airport. I wanna see just a tiny part of where you live.”
“If you don’t get it. You don’t get it Rose.”
“I’m trying. I really am.”
“Why are you going to Iceland again?”
“She wanted to go there. You haven’t even been there. Why did you say ‘Oh, why are you going to Iceland, like that?”
“Reykjavik. I’m not saying it like anything. I… I just don’t know why there? Why not Paris or Madrid, or Amsterdam?”
“Because that’s where she wants to go. She’s weird like that. Always wanting to go somewhere no one else has heard of or no one else has been.”
“That must be one of the things that you love about her.”
“Getting dragged around the world is not so bad, but the slide shows and the photo albums after that… at her parents, with our friends. She’d show a stranger her slides if she could.”
“She’s open. She’s like sharing with other people. That’s a good thing. Isn’t it?”
“Yeah. I guess. You’re gonna… you’re gonna like her.”
“I already do.”
“Wait til you meet her.”
“I’ll wait, but I already like her. I like her because… you just sound so… so… I don’t know. But it’s a good thing.”
“...okay…”
“I mean it.”
“I’m glad you, glad you always let me write you, or call, or fax.”
“Yeah, all those faxes you sent me.”
“I sent you one or two.”
“I probably still have them somewhere.”
“You do not?!”
“I do.”
“How is…”
“How are… you first?”
“She’s good. She’s really good. She has her days. She still asks about you.”
“No she doesn’t?”
“Yes she does!”
“Even after Kiara, Tanja, Flo, and Jasmin.”
“Oh whatever! I can’t keep track of all of the girls you dated after I left. How’s Blanca?”
“Blanca…”
“You still feel really bad about it, and I, I kind of like it.”
“I wanna say you’re really mean to me, but we’ll be old women on the phone or on video screen or something like that in the future, and you’ll still be able to… to…”
“To what?”
“Well… I’m not gonna say sorry!”
“Yeah, don’t do that.”
“But Blanca’s okay. She got her a pretty-rican and they’re talking about having a baby and moving to San Francisco.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, that’s the plan. But tell me more about oma.”
“There’s nothing else to really tell you. She’s… I think it’s really hard for her because she was so used to just doing what she wanted to do. She feels like she’s a burden. I feel a little guilty.”
“Really? Why?”
“Because I’m trying really hard not to let her see how hard it is for me to stay here. It’s not hard to stay with her. I love her. She’s kind of my whole life, and I don’t mean that in a bad way, but… if I could, I would leave, and I hate to say it. I want to be right here, right next to her as long as I can. But I know as soon as I can, I’m outta here.”
“If that’s how you feel that’s how you feel.”
“I guess…it’s still something that I don’t want to say out loud. It’s something that I try to hide from her.”
“But you said she talks about me? She asks about me?”
“I love how you just brought that back into the conversation.”
“You know I’m good at that. Better at doing it, like… so it’s not annoying or self serving.”
“Finally you get it. I hope your other girlfriends… I hope they know how you broke me in…”
“What? I broke you in?”
“You broke me in, and you… we, both learned so much from each other, at least I did. Maybe I should just speak for me.”
“I don’t think you’re using that expression the right way. What do you mean ‘I broke you in?’.”
“I mean… so much happened in our relationship. So many things that couldn’t happen in another relationship and not just because you were my first and I was your first but because we had this saga.”
“Pssssh! Yeah that was some saga.”
“We went through a lot together.”
“I didn’t break you in though. I fucked up, a lot. I fucked up and… yeah, can I say that I hope that I’m a better person? That I was… I made my mistakes?”
“Hmmm? It’s in the past.”
“I wish I could meet oma. Can I bring her something?”
“That’s really sweet. I don’t know what she’d want, if she’d want anything. Maybe some Giorgio Armani. The one in the white and gold box?”
“I think I know which one you mean.”
“Yeah maybe just that, but… really you don’t have to bring her anything.”
“Well I’m not gonna get to meet her. I want to at least just do something nice.”
“Well you are rich, so I’ll allow it.”
“Stop it.”
“How… how’s Brooke and your dad?”
“Brooke said this one’s harder than the first three.”
“I can’t believe she’s on her fourth!”
“She just can’t keep her hands off her husband.”
“Ha ha ha ha ha. What?”
“Seriously. I was like tell him to get snipped or you need to get your tubes tied cos y’all gon start your own nation if you keep it up. And get cable or something!”
“I’m sure that’s really helpful Rose.”
“I know it’s not but I do, seriously, try to be there for her. As much as I can.”
“I wanna see you with your… nieces.”
“And I… want you to see me with my nieces… one day too. Ha ha ha.”
”Ha ha ha ha ha ha.”
Maybe I can bring you some photos?”
“And how’s your dad doing? How’s…”
“Pamela? Huh… we still hate her. We still look at him like, really dad? But she makes him happy and she loves him. It’s not a secret that we don’t like her and, probably she doesn’t like us either, but she loves him. I guess that’s all that matters. Who cares what we think.”
“Yeah? I guess. I guess that’s it. It could be worse.”
“Worse than hating her?”
“Yeah. A lot worse. They’re happy. How you feel is how you feel… does it really matter? I mean to them?”
“I wish we coulda had the support that… huh...”
“And on that note…”
“No! You’re not getting away that easy.”
“I’m meeting you at the airport. For four hours and then saying goodbye. And I don’t even know when I’m gonna see you again. What’s so easy about that?”
“I feel like I miss you already. I haven’t even landed.”
“You’re gonna be in Iceland doing whatever people do there. You and your love. You’re not gonna be thinking about me.”
“We’re gonna have a good time… but the minute you said you would meet us, that became a part of the… it was also something to look forward to. But it reminds me I’m not a little kid anymore.”
“What do you mean?”
“When you’re a kid… when I was a kid I was excited about the trip. The whole trip. Now, the most exciting part is the part before you leave. Before you pack. Before you go to the airport. That’s the best part! As soon as I leave the apartment, I just started counting down. As soon as I see you, I’ll be doing the same thing. Counting down. Knowing that I only have the time with you, the four hours, and that every minute is a minute, one minute less.”
“You know sometimes I feel like you haven’t changed that much, but… ha ha ha ha ha, I don’t know when you got so melodramatic.”
”Melodramatic? Me? Ha ha ha ha ha ha.”
”Ha ha ha ha ha.”

Written by Isaiah Lopaz, Anthology / Appendix 2021